It gets a little messy in here sometimes…

Inside life as I know it…

The spoon theory… January 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennann @ 9:14 pm

The past few days have been rough.  At one point my Matt was about to check me into the hospital.  All I want are answers and a straight diagnosis.  Is that really too much to ask for?  It is difficult for me to explain how I feel when I am having an “episode” or how I generally feel on a daily basis.  I found this story the other day, and although it is talking about Lupus, it could be used to describe how I feel.  Here is the link…..

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

I have the most amazing husband.  I don’t think I could have made it through the past seven months of my life without him.  He has been so strong, especially when I am at my weakest emotionally.  His love has never faltered, and even when I turn on him because of all of my frustration, he has been right by my side.  If I never knew unconditional love before, I definitely do now.  He made a comment the other day… “without your toeprints on the windshield I would be nothing”…  With his hand holding mine, I’ve been given everything.

 

Christmas South Texas Style… December 30, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennann @ 3:12 pm

cousins

We headed south to Tilden on Saturday for my dad’s family Christmas.  It’s been 3 years since I’ve been, and I figured I should make an appearance.  I am so happy I did.  It wasn’t without a few bumps along the way, though.

We were faced with the decision of sending my daughter (I just don’t even like to use the word “step” when it comes to her) to Midland or having her go with me.  Either way, someone was going to be hurt.  In the end, we let her make the decision, and she chose to go with me.  I was so proud of her for making that decision and sticking with it.  It also made me really happy.

Saturday morning we leave the house and pick up my cousin and her boyfriend along the way.  Absolutely no cell service down there, and we weren’t sure we would remember which gate was the ranch, but we made it without making any wrong turns.  All my cousins were there, and they are all grown up now!  I absolutely love my cousins.  they are amazing.

We sit down and eat, and that took all of ten minutes, then the little ones tore open a few presents.  We decided to take an “all girls” picture, and that turned into running all over the ranch for an hour taking tons of pictures.  We had only asked my aunt to snap a few pics, but she got a little carried away.  Well…maybe we all did.  There were nine of us in all ranging in ages from 8 to 35.  Yes, I am the oldest, but I’m the “cool cousin” according to my adorable 20 year old cousins. 

Madison had been looking forward to riding horses, but they were nowhere to be found.  Instead we did what my family always does.  Play with guns.  You can only imagine a bunch of girls shooting shotguns on the banks of a river.  It turned into a whole family affair.  The little kids took over letting the clay pigeons fly, and by the time we were done, the ground was covered with shotgun shells.  I’m still sore.  The highlight was getting Madison to shoot a gun for the first time.  There was a little pink camo 22, and she wanted to shoot that, but we encouraged her to go for the big guns.  She did, and she loved it.  Jackson even shot a gun for the first time, with his Papa’s help. 

I am amazed at how my family just took Madison in as one of their own.  I was so worried she wouldn’t enjoy herself, but she has been asking me how soon we can go back.  All the big girls have decided that  we need to have a ranch weekend complete with bonfires, guns, and four wheelers.  I have the most amazing family.

 

Hmmmmm….. December 15, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennann @ 3:48 pm

I lost 2 pounds.  I only know that because I weighed myself at my mom’s house.  I guess that is what happens when you have no appetite and no desire to eat anything.  I suppose stress can do that to a person.  Or frustration.  maybe both. 

I had a rough weekend.  What I really hate is when I get so frustrated and then take it out on the person I love the most.  You always hear that you “turn” on the ones closest to you.  I guess I do that.  I’ve also been on the receiving end of it.  It’s no fun either way. 

Sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and cry.  I usually save it for the shower, though.  Nobody knows but me if I cry in there.  Well, maybe my puppy, because he likes to get in the shower with me.  I have got the cleanest dog in the world.  He likes Tony & Guy shampoo. 

I’m rambling today…it happens.

 

Where did I go? December 11, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennann @ 12:26 pm

Seizures suck.  There really is no eloquent way to say it, other than they suck.  Plain and simple.  I had managed to go 4 months without having one, and then Sunday night just happened to be my lucky night.  Of course I can’t stop with just one…I got to experience two.  I hate the days after I’ve had one.  All I want to do is lay in bed because I am so tired, and I have no real desire to see the outside world. 

Can I just vent for a moment?  Ever since I got sick with my “illness”…and I am going to call it that because no doctor can quite pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me, life has been a rollercoaster.  All signs and symptoms point to MS.  These “episodes” as we like to call them come and go, but I never know when the next one is going to rear it’s ugly head.  It may last a few hours or a few days.  And when it’s happening, I am not me…I am not the Jenn that my family knows.  I get so angry and frustrated.  I have the most amazing husband, and I feel like he has gotten the short end of the stick.  The kids have to sit and watch their mom be taken care of.  I DESPISE it.  Matt has spent so many sleepless nights watching me and taking care of me…taking care of everything.  It’s all I can do sometimes to get the kids up and ready for school, do laundry and make sure they are fed. 

I feel like I am no longer myself.  I only get bits and pieces of me.  I want to be me all the time, not just for a few short moments.  When it happens, I hide from the outside world.  I won’t talk on the phone because I don’t know if I can get the words out properly.  I know what I want to say, but saying it is another story.  I want to work again, but I honestly don’t know if I can.  Teaching is out for now.  I know that I couldn’t be the teacher I once was, and I don’t want to do a half asses job when it comes to my students.  I can’t remember things most of the time.  Post it notes have become my best friend. 

This isn’t a pity party…sometimes a girl just has to vent.  Now I think I will go straighten my hair and put make up on for the first time this week.

 

Here goes… December 6, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennann @ 4:22 pm

It’s been a while since I’ve done this.  3 years to be exact.  I guess now I have something to say, or just feel the need to vent.  I’ve got two kids, two dogs, and a husband who is a musician.  I woke up today to a dog laying across my face, the twelve year old girl blaring MTV in the living room and the six year old boy standing on the kitchen counter eating all the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms.  Where is my husband?  He’s at work playing with guns and guitars.  I wonder if the kids would notice if I just locked myself in the bathroom all day?  They would probably take the opportunity to spend the day attempting to make videos to put on Youtube.

Some things will be funny, some things will be sad, and some will be angry, but this blog will be ME.  And a glimpse into my crazy little life.